The other day a dear friend pointed out something to me. We were talking about friends that become people who you see various places but don't acknowledge anymore because the friendship has just sort of faded. She called them "familiar strangers". When we started talking about this I told her that often when someone becomes a familiar stranger to me I generally just try and pretend like they were never friends with me. I will stop talking to them and if I have them on facebook delete them. She said that often she will do the same. She then went on to point out to me that this is a way to prevent yourself from getting hurt. If you take yourself out of the game then you can't lose kind of thing. I think in my life that I am often the type of person that takes myself out of the game. I have a huge fear of being hurt and I very rarely will allow myself to get too close to people. This is sort of contradictory because I am like an open book and I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve but I think that even though I do this I do have sort of a mental block where if I feel like something is going to go wrong I'll just stop. I don't know if any of this makes sense at all...it does in my mind but that's sometimes a bit loopy I know.
This all being said...I know I have only been gone a month and that's not very long but there are a couple people that I haven't spoken to at all since I have been away and I am taking myself out of it, and I wish that I didn't do this and I don't understand why I do but I do, and as much as I try not too it's easier to just let them go. For the first 3 weeks I was away I tried...I sent them messages to no reply several times. I get more messages from someone that when I left I told him I would never see him again. It's just backwards. And I don't get it and it makes me sad, but I honestly have no idea what else to do.
You know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? I don't particularly agree with this statement. I also don't completely disagree. However I have found that absence has made me realize who is really near and dear to me. Who I can't possibly go without. The people that are pretty damn amazing. It made me realize how much I value my family. Now before I dig this grave any deeper I will end this.
It's just some thought I have recently had. Tomorrow we will be going rapelling so I'll have some good photos and stories hopefully.
1 comment:
dear mandy.
i might have an idea who you had that conversation with. i bet that person would also say that sometimes the ones we love the most are the easiest to hold to standard. what i mean is, sometimes we have very high expectations (naturally & validly) for the ones we love the most.
so...maybe take yourself out of the game for a little while and see if they they get their game faces on. and then go from there. some people also really suck at keeping in touch. like REALLY REALLY suck at it - i know firsthand from moving back and forth years at a time. it got really annoying, but for some it's "out of sight out of mind" but they still love you.
but only you know who is to be excused for pitiful behaviour like that....
just be kind to yourself. you have lots of beautiful friends that love you, and we all have some fairweather friends too. and i don't know how to spell fairweather....but whatev. not the point.
i think our matching names destined us to be friends. and hey, we actually went thru a rough patch there for a while too...and made it thru. i'm glad we did. it must mean we are really important to one another.
miss you sweet friend.
xoxoxo
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