Ahh..back to something more simple

So happy to be back doing this on blogspot. At least I understand this website and don't have problems figuring out how to customize my blog and add different things. I just could not figure it on on wordpress for the life of me, nor did I have time to diddle around on it a whole lot. I hope people still read and comment on this one. It would make me very happy :) Not that I had a whole lot of comments on the other one.

I was at home the other weekend and we had a small photoshoot. It was pretty fun and we wound up getting some good ones.

This one is a little friend I made, he was the only one that sat for long enough to take a photo of.

This is a my family..my mom and my sister, who I don't get to see enough now but we always have fun when we do see each other.


Amanda, Becky and I went to see Feist the other day and she was absolutely fantastic. I would go a million more times and it was very easily worth the 60$ that the ticket cost. Fantastic voice and a really good show.


Well, this was a mighty fine way to procastinate I must say, but I got a hell of a lot of muscles and their insertions and origins to learn about by 8:30 tomorrow morning.

Crowd surf off a cliff

Sometimes I sit down on my computer and I go to start writing a blog and I just get lost. So I write about whatever comes to mind and it’s usually not very deep or anything and maybe I am scared to write something that I wouldn’t let people know normally when just talking to them, but I started this blog for myself. I started it so that I could write things out and clear my head and process things by writing them out, which is what I used to do in a journal before I got to lazy to keep one.

Today I went to see someone to get some advice on whether or not to stay in school and career stuff and she said some things that are absolutely true but they are just things that I’m not ready to admit I don’t think and it was really hard to hear someone say these things about me and for me to start thinking about them but I definitely think that it was necessary.

I think that I need to go see a counsellor and figure some stuff out, clear my head before I can make any decision as to what direction I need to be taking in my life. I don’t really ever sit and think about things that have happened in my life and how it’s maybe formed who I am but it has, as much as I try and pretend that my past hasn’t helped shape the person that I am today, I know that I am lying.

I never think that my parents getting a divorce when I was in grade 3 affected me but it really did. That was a huge life changing moment and it changed the way that I felt about both of my parents and that was the beginning of one of the most screwed up relationships of my life. Even before my parents got a divorce my dad was never around because he was a truck driver so he was usually gone, and then when they split up I very rarely saw him because he no longer had a reason to come home because his kids weren’t waiting there anymore to see him. And this just continued he would say he was coming to pick us up and then just not show up and me being the older sister would always be there for Dariane. I would always tell her that it was okay and that he would show up or tell her that he just got caught up in something and was probably too busy to come and see us. This really hurt when I was younger and I’m sort of at a point in my life where I have just given up with him. I feel like I have been so forgiving to someone who has never realized that he has done anything wrong. And since I have told him that I have given up I don’t know how I feel, I feel scared that my relationship with my father is potentially over for the rest of my life, I feel relieved because it’s a huge stress that has been removed from my life but then what about the added stress of the fact that I probably hurt someone so bad.

Ever since I was in grade 3 there was a great deal of responsibility put onto me. I remember many days where I got my little sister up in the morning and got us ready for school and would come home with her to an empty house and start making dinner for everyone before my mom got home from work. I always enjoyed doing this but now to think back on it, that’s not a normal childhood at all. That’s not having carefree days and laughs and spending afternoons jumping on the trampoline with friends. I’m not saying that i never did those things because I definitely did and I don’t think my childhood was in any way bad at all, it was just different. There was a family to help out and a sister to take care of and I did my best for being in middle/elementary school.

And there are so many ways I have changed and it’s hard to look back on things that have changed, and wondered about the way that things could have gone if it was different.

This was all sort of a ramble but really nice to get off my chest. I think that I will try this a little more often. Definitely helpful.

Forget your name, forget your fear

Today, I woke up and went to school for my 8:30 lab, and now I am back home and contemplating how to spend my day. We need Halloween decorations so Katie and I may take a trek to dollarama and pick some up, I also want a costume, although Katie was kind enough to point out that I don’t need one anyways because I can’t go out on the 31st because my hardest exam is the day after, on a lovely saturday morning I get to write my anatomy exam! Woohoo. So, I guess I will save the money and not go out. I got my sister her birthday present way in advance :) I was thinking ahead for once in my life, she will love it. And I think that she will get it early cause I doubt that I will see her near her birthday.

I wanted to have a lay around and watch movies all day kind of day because this morning when I stepped out the door and onto the bus I was so cold..it was cloudy and rainy and all around not a very nice day. But now as I look out the Kitchen window it appears to be sunny, not too sure what happened there but it’s awesome anyways. The forecast is rain rain rain for the next few days. That’s lovely, I’m going to be alone all weekend so there’s nothing like some spare time and a rainy window to really make one ponder everything that’s going on in her life. Well that’s what it takes for me anyways.

I was reminded by someone the other day that I have people that care and love me and only want the best for me. Sometimes it really does a person good to be reminded of this. It sure certainly helped me that day. And still continues to help me out. Thank you will.

I picked up a few feist tickets the other day for Amanda, Rod and I. It’s on the 20th, I am really really excited to go and see her. I wish it was at a smaller venue but guess you can’t win at everything, it’s just awesome that I actually get to see her.

That’s it, that’s all.

Do you prefer hot or cold sandwiches?
I definitely would have to say both!!! Some are better hot, some are way better cold..vegetarian sandwich from stellas…cream cheese, hummus, lettuce, and cucumber (tomato if you enjoy) so so good.

What is your high score in bowling?
oh the shame. i don’t actually know, but i guarantee it’s lower than you’ve ever done.

Would you like to travel in outer space?
Yes, I think that it would be amazing. But I wouldn’t want to go if it meant I could never come back…cause I would miss everyone I love

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
Burn After Reading…it was phenomenal…very very very good…and funny

So what’s new with your iTunes….

What is your total number of songs, length of time, and memory used?
659 songs, 1.8 days, 2.98…and i just deleted a whole bunch

What are your top 3 most played songs?
1. Upward over the Mountain - Iron and Wine

2. Far, Far - Yael Naim

3. Not for Sale - Coco Rosie

What is the longest song in your library?
Njosnavelin (Nothing Song) - Sigur Ros

How many songs contain the word “love” in their title?
38
How many songs contain the word “heart” in their title?
12

I want to start fresh

Life has taken some pretty decent turns in the last week. I feel happy, and i feel content, and I feel like things may be changing for the better.

My mom came out on Saturday and it was really nice to talk to her and figure things out and be able to get everything off my chest with absolutely no judgement and to know that she would tell me exactly what she thought, not what she thinks that I want to hear. Although it’s not only my mom that does this, I have made some really amazing friends that will tell me exactly what they think even though it’s not what I want to hear all the time.

So we talked, and i got everything off my chest. I need to take a break from school, i need to do a few things that I love to do and just take some time to myself, not be in school and just enjoy the simpler (and cheaper) things.

Katie and I recently discovered the most amazing way to make facebook awesome. You can change the language to English (pirate) and everything is in the fantastic pirate language. Everyone should really do this because it will make you laugh (and not really know what you’re doing when you hit buttons)!

This week I fully intend to accomplish the bare minimum. I have three days off (well the evenings) and I want to enjoy them. I have a bit of homework I should accomplish and that I will accomplish and other than that, I want to enjoy the absolutey beautiful fall days, I want to enjoy the people around me and the things that I have.

I get to go home in 2 weeks and spend time with my sister and Mike and my Mom and I am very excited about this because I haven’t seen my sister since my cousin’s weekend and I really miss her. We also don’t talk all that often because we both have school and are both really busy.

This is it, I have nothing deep and exciting for this blog, nothing but what I was thinking about and what I wanted to let everyone around me know. Wow, I can be a brutal writer sometimes. Catch you tomorrow after I have slept some and my mind is sharper!

Sipping some tea and procrastinating

I am doing exactly what that title of this post says. I am sitting in Second Cup waiting to go for lunch with Amanda, supposed to be studying my psychology, but this blog keeps calling me, begging me to post, so I am taking action and posting. Once this is done then I can really get at it, and start studying. On the plus side I am done one chapter and have started into the second, but this material is pretty dry and I’m so conflicted with what I want to be doing now that I don’t even know if I should stay in this class, or any class for that matter. And I recognize that that is crazy talk and that I won’t actually be dropping my classes because I need them and I paid for them but the thought has crossed my mind.

I am going into an advanced psychology major yet I got a 64% on my first psyc test. This one hit me hard because I felt like I really knew the material…certainly didn’t think that I would get a 64 that’s for sure. So that’s when the questions start to come to me. Is this what I want to be doing because 64% is pretty shitty, and then I go back over everything that I”ve wanted to do in the past and how many times I have changed my mind and I start to think about doing all those things again. Maybe I should just get my three year degree and a counselling certificate and then work in a crisis center, or a shelter or something relating to that. I just feel so so conflicted and stressed about it and confused and blah…i guess everything will evenutally sort itself out and then all will be well. Italways works out, although I am hoping to travel next year and not have any of this dilly dallying to worry about and I can just get some real life experience.

….Hours of procastination, 1 cup of tea, a delicious spinach salad and vegetarian sandwich, and a new pair of boots later…

We talked..Amanda and I went to Stellas and had a really good honest conversation that left me more knowledgeable but still confused about where i stand in my life, where i want to be, and what direction I see my life going. But I have come to realize that I am only 20 years old and it’s okay to not know what I want or who I am really. Sometimes I can be insane, and I recognize that I can be a total control freak, I like things orderly and done and generally within my control and this can sometimes be a pretty bad thing. I wish I was a more laid back person and a person who let things slide more easily and also someonewho didn’t let small things bother me. Or I wish that I wasn’t someone that always assumed the worst. I guess there are a lot of things about myself that I don’t like and I would like to change and things that I have tried to change, but I just don’t know how to do that. It’s hard to say you don’t like something about yourself and then totally change your personality. If anyone has any advice on this one I would totally be game to here that.

Charlie at my feet...everything's good

You know when you meet some people and they have this ability to make you think about what’s going on in your life, where you’re at, why you’re doing what you’re doing and so on. Well recently I have become friends with someone who is just like that. Someone who will probe me with these intense questions and really listen for an answer and can totally tell if I’m making up a bunch of bull shit.

I’m very comfortable admitting that I don’t have a lot of friends who I am extremely close to. There are a handful of people who I feel comfortable sharing everything with. People that I don’t feel like I have to edit or hold back anything that I am thinking. A small handful of people…a handful as if I was missing a couple of fingers. I have met some of these people recently, well within the last 6 months and they have opened my eyes to many things.

My life right now feels good. Sometimes, especially lately I have had some really difficult moments. But i feel good, and I’m trying to focus on the positive. I am surrounded by nothing but amazing people, people who are care about each other and people that I care about and they care about me. And I want to look at things positively. I know that I’m the kind of person who is easily brought down by things that they think about. I’m a lot better than I used to be, I used to watch something or listen to a song and start thinking about my life or about other things and then I would get into a funk for days and that’s not a good way to be. I want to be the kind of person with an optimistic outlook on things and not someone who can be brought down so easily. It takes work but I think that I can do it.

It’s sometimes shocking to think about how much people change as they grow up. The other day I was talking to Katie about scents and songs and how something can remind you so much of things from your childhood. Everytime I smell something that smells like blueberries, in particular I think about my friend Janelle and standing beside her in grade 5 or 6 assembly singing O’ Canada when she would use her blueberry lipsmackers. When you are reminded of things in your past and you start to think about different things that happened it’s amazing how you can see what formed you, why you have some of the attitudes that you do and why you think the way that you do. It’s just shocking when you take a second and really think about it.

I know this is random and not very well spoken but I’m not a good writer and anyone that knows me know my head is in a million different places at once all the time. Next time I’ll try and post something that’s a little more put together.

Ahh...sleep

This blog will be a bit of random everything because that’s kind of how I am feeling today but blogging because I made a promise to myself that I would, as well as Amanda because she promised that she would read if I blogged so I will let you all in on my random thoughts cause you know they are pretty exciting and it’s probably the best way to avoid studying which I desperately need to do.
So..I finally did it. I got my first tattoo. It took 3 hours and I absolutely love it, well as much as I have seen of it. It was covered last night and then finally got to take off the bandage today but haven’t had a chance to look at it yet. I know that I will love it. It was however, the most painful experience I have ever volunteered and paid for but that’s not to say much cause I have never paid to be in pain before. But it was bad, Katie came with me and got to watch the faces that I made. The tattoo is a tree on my back and I will put up a picture as soon as it’s nicer than now because it’s all oozy and gross.
I am sitting in the entrance to the library at the university because there is never anywhere to sit!!!! And watching people which I do so well and all the time because people really fascinate me. What fascinates me most for example, is that girls dress to the nines to come to class – fancy bar shirt, TONS of makeup, heels but they can’t walk in them!! I think it’s hilarious to watch people stumble around on their heels because I just don’t get why they bother to wear them if they can’t walk in them, isn’t the whole reason that they are wearing them in the first place is so they can be more “sexy”

Okay…i wrote that a day or two ago, now I shall add and just keep adding until it’s quality, or I could do several and then maybe you would actually want to read it daily cause I would be constantly updating. Hmm that’s maybe a good idea.

I’m going to do that…post more later :)

I'm Really Trying

I’m trying, I promise that I am. Writing blogs is a lot harder than I could have imagined. Actually doing it, sitting down and writing one takes time and effort. Both of which I feel that I currently lack.

I feel like I am always working and I mean I am, between both jobs, school, and trying to keep my GPA up and also make it better it’s getting intense…and very very busy. The thought has crossed my mind to maybe quit one of the jobs but I don’t know, I want money…I think that I am way too motivated by money, but I want to travel, I want to explore, I want to get out of Winnipeg and out of Canada for a little while. I know full well that I want to live in Canada for the rest of my life, but I also know that I really need to see some of the world.

Today I was reading my friend Amanda’s blog who has done so much in her life. She’s gone to so many places - overseas and she’s also lived in Seattle for a few years. I would love to do this, I would love to go places to live somewhere else. Just to experience something different than what is here.

Life feels like it’s changed, like things have really really changed and I’m excited, I’m nervous, I feel ready but yet so intimated. Katie and I have plans to go to New Zealand or Ireland next fall and it’s extremely exciting. I can’t imagine what things will be like when we actually start finalizing the plans and figuring things out and actually getting ready to go. It’s crazy and it’s amazing and it will feel absolutely so right, i know that it will. But I also know that I will miss my friends, more than I can imagine.

The last little while, I feel like my relationships with my female friends has grown intensly. I have gone out with them a lot more and opened up to them more and depended on them more for support and every single one of them is amazing. I don’t and I never have had close female friends, really close female friends.

Third Times the Charm

This is my third attempt. My third attempt at starting a post for this blog, because i always seem to get sidetracked and find much more exciting (not really) things to do.

I want to add pictures, I want to add this really cute video that I took of my cat the other night but I have no idea how to do any of that....hmm maybe I will experiment and once again put it off. Okay I got it figured out, but due to our slow slow internet connection this is not going to work right now. I will get them up soon.

In the mean time, I will add things on the side, like things about me - favorite song right now...movie's and all that jazz.

I inspired someone to start a blog just by all my talk because I sure don't have a blog going on yet..until now I guess. I'm going to experiment and add things on the side. I promise soon I will post something of quality. You will just need to wait.