I am doing exactly what that title of this post says. I am sitting in Second Cup waiting to go for lunch with Amanda, supposed to be studying my psychology, but this blog keeps calling me, begging me to post, so I am taking action and posting. Once this is done then I can really get at it, and start studying. On the plus side I am done one chapter and have started into the second, but this material is pretty dry and I’m so conflicted with what I want to be doing now that I don’t even know if I should stay in this class, or any class for that matter. And I recognize that that is crazy talk and that I won’t actually be dropping my classes because I need them and I paid for them but the thought has crossed my mind.
I am going into an advanced psychology major yet I got a 64% on my first psyc test. This one hit me hard because I felt like I really knew the material…certainly didn’t think that I would get a 64 that’s for sure. So that’s when the questions start to come to me. Is this what I want to be doing because 64% is pretty shitty, and then I go back over everything that I”ve wanted to do in the past and how many times I have changed my mind and I start to think about doing all those things again. Maybe I should just get my three year degree and a counselling certificate and then work in a crisis center, or a shelter or something relating to that. I just feel so so conflicted and stressed about it and confused and blah…i guess everything will evenutally sort itself out and then all will be well. Italways works out, although I am hoping to travel next year and not have any of this dilly dallying to worry about and I can just get some real life experience.
….Hours of procastination, 1 cup of tea, a delicious spinach salad and vegetarian sandwich, and a new pair of boots later…
We talked..Amanda and I went to Stellas and had a really good honest conversation that left me more knowledgeable but still confused about where i stand in my life, where i want to be, and what direction I see my life going. But I have come to realize that I am only 20 years old and it’s okay to not know what I want or who I am really. Sometimes I can be insane, and I recognize that I can be a total control freak, I like things orderly and done and generally within my control and this can sometimes be a pretty bad thing. I wish I was a more laid back person and a person who let things slide more easily and also someonewho didn’t let small things bother me. Or I wish that I wasn’t someone that always assumed the worst. I guess there are a lot of things about myself that I don’t like and I would like to change and things that I have tried to change, but I just don’t know how to do that. It’s hard to say you don’t like something about yourself and then totally change your personality. If anyone has any advice on this one I would totally be game to here that.
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