Sometimes I sit down on my computer and I go to start writing a blog and I just get lost. So I write about whatever comes to mind and it’s usually not very deep or anything and maybe I am scared to write something that I wouldn’t let people know normally when just talking to them, but I started this blog for myself. I started it so that I could write things out and clear my head and process things by writing them out, which is what I used to do in a journal before I got to lazy to keep one.
Today I went to see someone to get some advice on whether or not to stay in school and career stuff and she said some things that are absolutely true but they are just things that I’m not ready to admit I don’t think and it was really hard to hear someone say these things about me and for me to start thinking about them but I definitely think that it was necessary.
I think that I need to go see a counsellor and figure some stuff out, clear my head before I can make any decision as to what direction I need to be taking in my life. I don’t really ever sit and think about things that have happened in my life and how it’s maybe formed who I am but it has, as much as I try and pretend that my past hasn’t helped shape the person that I am today, I know that I am lying.
I never think that my parents getting a divorce when I was in grade 3 affected me but it really did. That was a huge life changing moment and it changed the way that I felt about both of my parents and that was the beginning of one of the most screwed up relationships of my life. Even before my parents got a divorce my dad was never around because he was a truck driver so he was usually gone, and then when they split up I very rarely saw him because he no longer had a reason to come home because his kids weren’t waiting there anymore to see him. And this just continued he would say he was coming to pick us up and then just not show up and me being the older sister would always be there for Dariane. I would always tell her that it was okay and that he would show up or tell her that he just got caught up in something and was probably too busy to come and see us. This really hurt when I was younger and I’m sort of at a point in my life where I have just given up with him. I feel like I have been so forgiving to someone who has never realized that he has done anything wrong. And since I have told him that I have given up I don’t know how I feel, I feel scared that my relationship with my father is potentially over for the rest of my life, I feel relieved because it’s a huge stress that has been removed from my life but then what about the added stress of the fact that I probably hurt someone so bad.
Ever since I was in grade 3 there was a great deal of responsibility put onto me. I remember many days where I got my little sister up in the morning and got us ready for school and would come home with her to an empty house and start making dinner for everyone before my mom got home from work. I always enjoyed doing this but now to think back on it, that’s not a normal childhood at all. That’s not having carefree days and laughs and spending afternoons jumping on the trampoline with friends. I’m not saying that i never did those things because I definitely did and I don’t think my childhood was in any way bad at all, it was just different. There was a family to help out and a sister to take care of and I did my best for being in middle/elementary school.
And there are so many ways I have changed and it’s hard to look back on things that have changed, and wondered about the way that things could have gone if it was different.
This was all sort of a ramble but really nice to get off my chest. I think that I will try this a little more often. Definitely helpful.
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