I just realized that this will be my very first christmas without my sister here christmas morning. Apart from when I was in Australia, but that didn't really feel like christmas so it doesn't count. The one constant in my life.

Her and I have this tradition where every christmas morning for as long as I can remember one of us would wake up at 4 in the morning and go wake up the other one and sneak out to check out the tree and then go back to one of our rooms and play skipbo or monopoly or whatever game we could think of to try and pass the time when we could go wake up mom. Yes, we still did this when we were in our twenties.

She'll be out for 7 days shortly after christmas, over new years, but it won't be the same. There won't be a christmas morning. For the last 3 or 4 years now mom, dariane and I have been going to some family friends christmas day and skipping any other gathering that someone decided to have on that day. We've been lucky to be able to do this. Jack and Del are some special special people. Del really is my second mom. She gives me shit probably worse than my mom. This will be the first year without Dariane there for dinner. I think we might ask Del to do it all over again when D comes out. I remember the first time we went there we had just left a ridiculously stressful family event and got there just as everyone was sitting down for supper. We just laid on the couches in the living room and relaxed. It felt cozy, we felt safe, and it felt like we were at home, even though it was the first time we had ever been to their place in the city.

This post is all over the place I know. But i'm just feeling a little sad this morning as I look over at all the gifts I've wrapped that this will be the first year without my sister here.

Favorites on a Friday

Hahahha I'm sure no one reads this. Well i'm going to text D and tell her I posted something and then she'll get here and it won't even be anything quality and she'll be disappointed. Anyways, I'm feeling like posting something random/trying to kill time at work sooooo here ya go.

Favorite TV show:
This changes...all the time. Let's go with Dexter today. Mainly because I've been watching it like crazy allowing for plenty of nightmares lately. Is there something worse that a nightmare because that's what I've been having.



Favorite Food:
This is a toss up between sushi and pizza really. When Colin and I hang out, I'm pretty sure we tend to make the greatest homemade pizza ever. But I haven't seen him for probably almost a year so sushi is quickly taking the top spot on this one.





Normally I use a lot more toppings. Only this cheese pizza looks really really good right now.

Favorite Song: Bon Iver - Skinny Love or Otis Redding - Sitting on the dock of the bay. Definitely a toss up because they're both so good.



Favorite Cocktail: Amaretto sours. or a good mojito. A mojito with fresh mint from a home grown plant. Definitely. Ashley makes the best mojitos.



Favorite Chocolate Bar: Tolblerone - i was eating one the other day at work and someone suggested using it fondue. How have I never thought of this.



Why has no one bought me this yet? This is amazing.

Favorite Kind of Travel: Road Trip for sure. There's something to be said about being in a car with someone for hours and hours and not wanting to kill each other. Also being able to stop whenever you come across something really cool is always a good time.




Favorite Color: Some would try and argue it's black because that's all I wear. I think the fall colors would be my favorite when all combined.



Favorite Coffee: Starbucks...grande 5 pump toffee nut americano. This is amazing. Thank you Julia in first year sociology for introducing me to this amazingness. I could drink one every single day. Good thing there isn't a starbucks in this town.




And that's it, that's all! Maybe I'll post about the half marathon i'm signing up for that's next june one of these days!

Hope you all have a good weekend!
xoxox

Current Obsessions

Here's a random collection of things I'm wanting or liking lately. I figured this blog was in need of something new.

This lip gloss is amazing. I need to go on a good hunt for this. I don't usually wear lip gloss but this stuff is sort of like a drug D and I have decided. It makes your lips tingly for a good 15 minutes and it's such a cool feeling.


I have wanted this eye shadow pallet for so long. Oh hey hint hint to someone whose buying me a birthday present at some point in the near future. This has so many nice colors and I've heard nothing but good things about it in reviews. Also, you know I have far too much time on my hands when I'm reading/watching make up reviews.


This watch...I can't stop thinking about it. It's terrible. I can't afford it. I won't be able to for awhile. But it's beautiful. We bought Dariane's watch at Spareparts and got to look at all the beautiful watches at the same time. Big mistake. It's all I want now.

This little gem! D and I went into Winnipeg Saturday morning because she wanted to see about getting a dog before she went back to Saskatchewan and she found one! I was so excited to be there and help her. This isn't a very good photo but she's so insanely shy it was hard to get a good photo that first day. I can't wait to go to Broadview and just spend the weekend playing with her.

this is good

do you ever just have a good feeling about something?

a feeling like everything is going to work out because it's about time things go according to plan?

Everything keeps changing and growing and moving along and I had this realization yesterday after a friend and I were talking that you just have to do things for yourself. If you want things to get better the only way that it's going to happen is if you change it for yourself. You can't constantly worry about other people's opinions or ideas on what you do. You're true, genuine friends are going to be there for you no matter what. If you have a bad day and piss them off, the next day you apologize and just move on.

I am the only person that can make things better for myself.

We're being audited at work today. Susi walks in this morning and says to me "Mandy, the auditor (she said his real name but I'll just leave that out) is coming in today. We have opening and closing meetings with him. I'll just let you know now that he's a married man." Apparently he's hot. I have yet to see him but this just made my otherwise crappy day a teeny tiny bit better. I think I'm getting the flu and when I woke up this morning all i wanted to do was lay in bed and do nothing all day long.

I went to the city last night to see Katie and Ash. Those girls are fantastic. I miss dinners and drinks and just hanging out talking to them. We went to Luxalune which has delicious food. We shared some pizza and bruschetta. I had a mojitos, they had beers. It was perfect.

I read this somewhere today and absolutely loved it.

Maybe you can take something away from it too.

"You’re always gonna be the villian in somebody’s story. You can’t please everybody all the time, no matter how hard you try. The best you can do will still never be good enough for everybody. It’s inevitable that you’ll step on a few toes along the way. And you will almost always piss at least a few people off simply by being yourself. You know, that’s life. Those are things beyond your control. Shrug it off, move forward, and realize there’s nothing that can be done. Be Kind. Do what you can where you can. Don’t stretch yourself too thin, but be selfless when you can. Chin up. Accept that other people have flaws, and accept that you have flaws too. You can’t be everybody’s everything and still have some self left for you. "

instead of writing blog posts i was just going to start writing emails. but then i wanted more people to be able to read them.

i had made the choice to move, and it was good and i was excited. and then i told my auntie. and then i started second guessing every single thing. tonight me and her are going to make up a budget. i need to pay off some serious debt and this is the cheapest option most definitely. so i think my best move is to stay where i am. i like being there, and it's hard to imagine not seeing those kids every day.

i think if i'm going to stay i have to change my room a little bit. make more room, put up some pictures, do something different.

also, i need a new phone, mine's officially broken. so i called mts to see about buying it out, then realized i more than likely will be in this province for a few more years so i might as well just stick with them. i've liked them for the last 5 years.

anyways, my rant's over.

i think i need to know the choices that i need to make, i just need to make myself okay with them.

i'm cold all the time lately. i'm really quite ready for winter to be over. i sit in my tiny little office with this space heater that pumps out a lot of heat and i close my door so that it's like a sauna in here and my toes are still freezing cold and so are my hands. tonight i'm going to a hockey game with scott. i'm going to have to really bundle up, or find a way to warm up between now and then.

i'm going to the city this weekend. i'm going with scott, a few of his friends, and then a couple of my friends. i'm excited, i haven't danced in a while...well i guess since Carly's bachlorette. Katie's coming with me and I'm unbelievably excited to see her. it's been far too long. and she's coming to a club...which means she loves me because she told me it was going to hurt her soul to come to a club but she would do it anyway.

i'm moving april 1st. into a house, with a couple of girls. i'm excited/nervous/anxious. i'm incredibly lucky to have some amazing family that's let me stay at their place and it's been great. i just feel like i need my own space. i need to be able to have friends over and not worry about it. i need to be able to make my own meals (i have a craving for so much stuff that i haven't been able to make). i had the biggest debate with myself on what to do. stay and save more money or move and not save quite as much but be able to come and go as i please and do what i want. clearly money's not as important to me as my own space. plus, this summer i would appreciate some visitors. this can't happen where i am right now.

last night we cleaned the house. then brady and i hung out. just the two of us. i think he likes that, he'll tell me things, we'll look things up. that kids thirst for knowledge is amazing. i feel pretty lucky that i'll be able to have a hand in teaching him all kinds of things. yesterday i started explaining to him things that are going on in libya. ya he's a bit too young to understand it, and maybe i shouldn't be telling him but i think it's important that kids learn things.

also saturday night it's just me and brady....and maybe scott. i'm pretty excited. we might go bowling...i suck at bowling.

stuff.

i'm trying really hard to get back into this.

i don't know why i'm struggling so much with suddenly wanting to share my private feelings.

this weekend we drove out to regina to see D. it was awesome to see her and see what she's been doing, where she's living and stuff. at least now when she calls or i think about her, i can actually picture where she is.

the other day something happened and i started thinking about when i was 19/20. how i thought that was it, that i knew who i was and wasn't going to change. so much has changed since then. i was in a relationship that i thought was amazing at the time. now that i look back there was so much wrong. i thought i knew what i wanted in life, that's completely changed. everything's changed. my relationships with people, my friendships, my living situation, my opinions on different things.

D graduates in july. last night i was talking to my dad and he asked when she graduated. i told him and he said that he wanted to go and i thought to myself. "you don't agree with her being a cop, you smoke weed more than likely daily, do i really have to remind you that's illegal and you can't be high when you go to her ceremony" it's refreshing that he wants to be involved. it's something i didn't think that would ever happen. but it's also something that i'm not sure i want to happen. sometimes i would like to run away from my entire family except for D. she's the only one that has never fucked me around.

I would like to have these two puppies. I miss max, the little dog at home just isn't cutting it anymore. I'm much better suited to big cuddly awesome dogs. Dariane please finish depot as fast as you can so you can buy a house and I can come visit and play with your dogs. Thanks, that would be greatly appreciated.

I also want this clock. I just like the idea.

yesterday i thought it was friday. in fact, there was a bit of a storm and the roads were shitty and I knew that d and curtis would be driving to brandon to see each other. first i called d and left a voicemail because she didn't answer to call me when she got to brandon because i wanted to make sure she was safe. then i called curtis and said the same thing. then i texted mom and asked if they actually decided to drive in the storm. mom reminded me it was thursday. it was an unnecessary worry.

Green or Blue - (still untitled) from Green or Blue on Vimeo.

I'm really unsure if anyone reads this anymore. It's become sort of like my own personal journal where I write stuff down just so I remember it. I guess that's what a blog is anyhow. I think that I'm going to try and start doing it regularly again. Especially if Dariane has time to read it. That's why I was doing it while I was away. When i don't get to talk to her regularly on the phone I want her to know what's going on.

I purchased this the other day. I'm very excited to get it and frame it and find the perfect spot for it.

I have one decision to make at the moment. I mean there's other ones I should think about but I'm choosing not to. One little decision...and that is this. I went and looked at this house a couple weeks ago. There's a room, it's a fair size room and the rent is the same as what I am paying right now. The only thing is, everything else is extra. Food's extra, hydro's extra, tv, internet...everything is extra so my rent would probably wind up being about 350$ after I included everything else. This is still really cheap and definitely in my price range. If i was living with anyone else it wouldn't be a problem. I don't know how my aunt and uncle would feel and I would hate to ever put them in a bad position. So, i'm stuck, i don't have a clue what to do. the house was really nice. I essentially also have the entire basement except for one other room and I could do whatever I wanted with it. I told her girl if she hadn't found someone by the first of april I would probably take it. So, i guess if she does find someone it just wasn't meant to be.

I found out recently that I needed 6 more credit hours of humanities to graduate with my BA. I'm a little bit annoyed. Also, I just don't care anymore about school. I know this isn't the best attitude but I'm just tired of it right now.

i met this guy tonight.
and i have the most giddy crush on him.
it's been a very very long time since i've felt like this and it feels fantastic.

so shit definitely got bad there for a little while.

i felt kicked in the gut over and over and thought that there was no way i would get everything back in order.

just under two months later and it's all looking up.

i got rid of my apartment in winnipeg. i was a little bit torn, leaving it sucked but at the same time saving the money is crucial at this point. and now that' i'm gone i'm happy to be out of the city. i miss my friends there yeah but everything out here is just so much less harsh. everyone's so nice, so welcoming.

i got a couple jobs, working full time in an office and part time serving. so that money can start coming in any time now.

either way, everything's just good right now and i honestly wouldn't have it any other way. i'm busier than i imagined but it's good, better than sitting around.

for once during all this i wish i felt like someone had my back.
this shit's getting so out of hand.
i miss D more than i ever imagined and she just left.

There's something that I would really like to do. But, I think that I have built up walls so high and even though I was one that built up these walls, there's no way that I can take them down. So, I'm in a bind. I want to do it so bad, but for some reason, my heart and my mind won't allow me to do it. It's like it permanently shut itself off to the thought of it long ago. And it's the strangest feeling when you realize that's what's happening.